.." he trailed off as she began dressing again.She stood and grabbed her cigarettes, she lit one and flopped into a chair curling up in it.Tony groaned and pulled his shorts and pants back up.Embarassed he had silently left, confused as to what had just happen.When he got home, there were six messages on his answering machine. Tanya telling him she was sorry, that she wanted him to come back, right then. So he went back.She threw herself at him when she opened the door, her arms around his neck. They had actually made it to the bedroom. she had been naked and trying, but he knew it was just an act, she knew how to move and what to do, but it was like she trying to do something she did not want to and that was when his passion turned to anger, he didn't like her playing games with his head. He thought they had at least become friends.Tanya had pulled away when the moment came and she couldn't take him. She had pulled away and pushed at him to get him off her.Now she was clutching him. They can't process their feelings, so they put their pain away for later, burying it deep within them until it eventually it bubbles to the surface.In any case, they seem to be doing alright for now. I just hope that there are no long-term emotional issues they'll have to face; although I expect it.The reason I'm putting pen to paper about all of this is two-fold. First, my therapist suggested it. He called it a 'project' to help me work my feelings out about things. Whatever, I will give it a shot.And for my kids, not just for me. I need to be whole for them.In losing Anita, I seem to have also lost myself. I mean, I'm a proud guy. I've always been the one others call when they have problems. I was in the Navy and did two deployments to Iraq, so I'm not a crybaby, I'm a realist. The diagnosis was made, and we sought treatment. We did all we could, but cancer is an invitation to the other side to which, in most cases, the RSVP can not be withdrawn.Nothing motivates me now. It's as if.
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